Have a marvelous Monday!
A year ago, January 4, 2015, I drafted this post, but never published it. I was struggling terribly and knew that if something didn’t change soon, I’d go right over the edge. It was a really, really, tough time for me……
Jan 4, 2015:
The clarity is undeniable.
As I write this post, it’s Sunday evening. In a few short hours, I’ll return to my high school classroom and my students, after two weeks’ winter vacation. We will catch up ~ talking of gifts and family visits, travels and test scores (ACT and SAT scores were being posted during our time off). We will laugh and tell stories. Then, we will pick up where we left off in December. Inevitably, we will count the days to our next vacation (nine).
In spite of this wonderful sharing with my kiddos, time away from the classroom continues to clarify for me: I no longer wish to be there. I’m ready for a new chapter. I have disconnected….
In September 2014, I began putting the wheels in motion to make a change, discussing with my principal that I was ready to leave the K-12 classroom (for the second – and final – time), and didn’t want to return to the classroom at the start of 2014-15, but wasn’t completely sure what else I wanted to do… yet. I hoped he would understand my need for change. He did, thankfully, though my transition turned out to be a lengthy process. Leaving a teaching position in the middle of a school year is generally frowned upon (and not something I’d ever do under ‘normal’ circumstances), but I knew my health and mental wellbeing were being compromised with each week that went by. I was overwhelmed, depressed, and filled with anxiety as I considered my options. I needed to get out, but what would be my next chapter? I tinkered (again) with leaving Education, but wasn’t sure …… I desperately looked for a *sign* that would help guide me.
Soon enough, several *signs* practically hit me in the face, and I figured it out; I wanted to return to Career and Technical Education as an Instructional Coach, this time on a campus instead of at district level. While I was ready to leave the classroom, being able to interact with students every day is important to me – to stay connected to the reason we do what we do in Education (and being an administrator is not on my Bucket List). Instructional coaching allows a teacher to be part of a leadership team, but not have to manage staff, budgets, facilities, etc…. Instead, an IC focuses on supporting teachers and their students by positively influencing effective instruction – from teaching and learning strategies to time management, organization, and relationship-building – through professional conversations, modeling, side-by-side teaching, and feedback – much like an athletic coach, but without the cursing, push-ups, or laps. 😉
Time seemed endless as I waited for the ‘right seat on the bus’ to open up. It was during that time that I turned to art as a respite. As I struggled to go to my classroom each morning and my inner writing voice that had been my early-morning friend, had fallen silent as I struggled, I needed a way to focus and … cope. Exploring art and other writing forms helped me through a difficult time. Time well spent, some might say…. I’m a glass-half-full-sorta gal, after all. RobinLK Studios was established in 2015.
Next month, I’ll celebrate my one-year work anniversary on my current campus. Working as an IC, I help new teachers navigate the complicated waters of entering teaching, while learning how to navigate the complicated waters of working with seasoned teachers – who tell me no help is needed, thank you very much….. all the while working on my own professional shortcomings, namely, high expectations that must be tempered, so I can meet teachers where they are without stepping on toes. The new role hasn’t been without many ‘growth opportunities’ for me, but these make me understand the bigger picture:
It’s not about us. It’s about something much bigger than each of us, which I’ve known a long time, but sometimes a swift kick in the butt is needed… just sayin’. 😉 We need to get out of our own way, sometimes.
So, what do you do when what you do is no longer what you wish to do? My humble advice:
I’ve come to realize that being disconnected isn’t a bad thing, though sad sometimes, as we leave a part of ourselves behind… Instead, it’s part of the process of life, an opportunity to see the stepping stones on our own path to something better(?), different(?)…. more fulfilling…. perhaps.
Have you ever struggled with feeling disconnected and needing to make a change? What did you do? How did it turn out? What advice would you give others?
Thanks for stopping by… Wishing you a wonderful day… and clarity to get out of your own way and step on that next stone…. 🙂
Funny how a summer can put things in perspective.
Bells ring. Students arrive.
Nine weeks come and go.
Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen.
Biding my time.
Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen.
Biding my time.
Even for Maybe.
Right turn ahead?
Mixed feelings about leaving mid-year.
But… not mixed feelings about leaving.
If not now,
For as long as I can remember, since I was 10 or 11, my chest has been the interest of others.
From staring to envy, even jokes by our mother …. my hourglass shape has drawn attention. Unwanted attention.
In turn, I developed an unhealthy relationship with my body, most notably, my ‘girls’ – always wanting to hide them or wishing them away. I have been resentful of and embarrassed by my chest. I know, I know… the grass is always greener. I get it.
Recently, though… things changed. Almost imperceptibly at first, but growing as the days passed.
You see, my baby sister’s newly diagnosed breast cancer has created a new perspective in me, one that’s been absent for 35+ years….
With the quickness of a diagnosis and the realization that comes from doctors’ visits, I’ve come to see the girls as something not to resent, but as they are – appendages like any other body part, that can become sick, diseased, capable of derailing you.
What a startling discovery for me. No longer just an object of unwanted attention, these parts that define women, are objectified by many, and nurture babies, are so much more. Or, maybe so much less. They are just a body part – to be aware of, taken care of, kept healthy.
In my search to understand, I ran across this blog post as I was writing mine. Seems my evolving feelings about the ta-tas aren’t that different from others when BC comes knocking. In my case, though… I’m the outsider. The sister. Looking in. Trying to understand.
I’m not sure I’ve done an adequate job explaining my changing feelings here, but it’s a start. As I talked with the tech yesterday before my annual mammography, I found myself trying to explain it to her. Give her credit – she said she understood. Did she? I’m not sure I did. Or do.
I just know my perspective is changed…. Altered. Transformed. Adapted.
This is what Cancer does.